What do you do when you simply give up, when you just stop caring? I’m banging my head against that wall right now. I really have just stopped giving a fuck. It’s really taken a lot for me to come to this realization. It has taken a lot of thinking and a lot of time. Time, however, seems to be limited.

I’ve been ruminating far too much lately, especially about the past. How things should have been, what I should have done and said. I spend a good portion of my time doing this, and my mind ends up going around and around in ridiculous cycles. It’s never ending.

And then I blame myself. Every bad thing that has happened to me. I find a way to make it my fault. Every person who has ever wronged me, I did something at some point to deserve it. Every bad name I’ve ever been called, it must all be true. Everything is always my fault. I almost feel like I’ve been trained to think that way. It’s like being type-cast in a film. That’s my role.

I’m the one who begs and pleads for forgiveness, and I ignore the fact that I’m the one who was wronged in the first place. I acknowledge it somehow, somewhere in my unconscious mind, but I simply ignore it. From there, I over-think how much of a push-over I am for these people. People who have hurt me, wronged me, called me names and pushed me around. But every time I happens, I go crawling back.

How bloody twisted is that?

And while thinking about all of that, I just simply have come to the conclusion that I don’t care anymore. I have finally given up being what everyone else wants me to be. And, seeing as I’m publishing this for the world to see, I finally have to live up to that promise.

I have to stop pretending to be something I’m not. I have to stop giving a shit what those people think of me, of what anyone thinks of me. I have be okay with myself, and be okay being me. And to do that, I have to give up and stop caring. Starting now, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

No, I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
~ Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts


~ by Aubrey Smith on June 15, 2011.

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